Walk with me

You walk with me
Each breath I take
You dance with me
Each move I make

Beside the stream
Our hands entwined
I see so clear
Your heart and mine

Each thought of you
Love fills my heart
So close we are
So far apart

Margot Hill
30 Apr 09

This is the interior text to an email that I sent to someone who is learning to live with the same grief I have. If you read me regularly you know I add these occasionally in addition to the poetry and other sidebars of life because this is a part of who I am and what made and makes my poetry speak. I know how important it can be that just one person out there knows that there is someone out there that can listen, hear and walk with them. If with my poetry or journal I touch or help in someone's life it is worth sharing the inner parts of who I am.

I want you to know that when Stephen died I as lucky if I went 5 seconds with out thinking about him, by 6 months I as maybe making it 5 minutes. If I could carry on a conversation for half an hour (most of my conversations were a lot shorter) then whoever I was speaking with could expect to hear about Stephen at least a couple of times. More if I felt it had a place in the conversation (and no I didn't care if others thought it didn't have a place), actually to be honest no one even at work, we worked together, ever told me to stop grieving, to not talk about him although a couple of people did think I needed help in coping and did what they could to get me some assistance. I don't know that I needed the help as much as they needed to feel like I was getting some but that was okay both they and I had an outside source that could make sure that I was not going over the wall. Okay I think I went well off topic there but I hope you get my point. Half an hour without speaking or thinking of Stephen did not happen at 6 months for me and if people don't like hearing that in my conversation then too bad. I heard a few of those remarks from others and although I can not defend nor do I wish to the words or the knife wound they inflict I had to remind myself when I heard them that they often came from people that did not know Stephen, did not understand his life or his pain, could not possibly understand the love we shared, did not know even a single iota of the sharing of souls that he gave to me because if they did know even a small part of all of these things they would never in a million years say such words. I was and am blessed by loving and being loved by Stephen. Yes, he is dead but his love for me is not and my love for him is not, and if some people don't understand that then I feel sorry, very sorry for them because I have that certainty and that love forever. I too found Stephen much further along in my life and his than we had any reason to guess that we would find each other (I was 34 and he was 46 when we met) or that it would work out but we did and it did but our love, as strong and powerful as it was toward the end was human and uncertain at the beginning and it could not possibly heal every wound in Stephen's soul overnight. God's love in heaven may work that fast but ours on earth takes time and time was one thing Stephen didn't have enough of. He didn't have enough time to heal before depression and it's side effect, suicide, took him away from me and to God to finish the healing his soul needed. Things don't get easier in the first 6 months, at least not for many of us, sometimes it seems like the first year is all about it getting harder. So many times we relive "that moment" until we come to recognize it will never be "that moment" again. As bad as the bad moments are, and they can be very bad, the "reliving" of that moment will change. We begin to anticipate it. We know it's coming which in someways makes the waiting worse but in someways makes the anticipated moment less than the tragedy we anticipate. You will get to a place, although no one can tell you when, when you realize that as much as you hurt it doesn't hurt as much as that moment when you knew you had lost the love of your life.

Margot
Walking forever with Stephen 7/17/51-7/12/01

Sitting in the dark

I sit here
In the quiet
Thinking of you

My breath
A warm wind
Calls your name

Where are you?
In the dark mist
You wander

And the whisper
My heart hears
Makes no sound

Margot Hill
4Apr2009

Not sure why I protected this the first time....

This was written initially as a response to a discussion regarding what happens after death...because it says alot of what I feel on the subject and I am interested in perserving my thoughts and writing in these areas I am adding it here as well.

I don't believe there is a waiting period or process that anyone has to go through when they get there. I believe that immediately they are surrounded and filled with God's love. These are people/souls with a lot of pain inside, with a lot of broken pieces but as much as they stood off sometimes, or didn't confide how much pain they were in they were not shunning God's love just not sure they deserved either his love or ours. I don't believe they have "issues" to work through what they may have is healing time, and that time doesn't flow necessarily along the same lines as our own time. I believe if we want to hear from them and we open ourselves up to it, at some point when we are quiet we will feel and see them.  The physical world can have lots of "noise" in it that keeps us from seeing their presence clearly but I believe they are there, I believe Stephen was with me all the time but I also believe that I had to struggle past the "noise" of my own grief and the "noise" of the world outside before I could hear from him. I also believe that Stephen and God were protecting me from losing myself in my grief. Stephen's presence for me was light and loving, waking up one morning and in that mist of sleep seeing him watching over me, sitting at the computer and while I was writing feeling the his hand on my shoulder or back and the love passing through from him into me. It wasn't like a real hand but what you would feel if someone stood behind you and you felt their presence. It was there, it was Stephen and it was what sustained me through the worst days of my grief. It's 7 1/2  years later and Stephen's love still sustains me, He is a blessing that continues to help me be the best me I can be. Maybe some days I don't do as well at it as others but that's me, Stephen's love is still with me and will always be with me. In my world love is best described by I Cor 13:4-6-- Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.... This is the kind of love Stephen and I share now. Our love when he was in the world was full of worldly issues, we were insecure, someitmes we hurt each other not because we wanted to but because we were hurting or scared ourselves. We weren't perfect, far from it but we loved each other and that love I believe was a blessing from above and thus is a love that never dies. Maybe I don't make any sense but that is what I think about it.

Bleedings!! For those of you who have never taken the challenge, you take three words, two in the first sentence, all three in the first stanza. 5 minute time limit. Good luck my friends!
Your friend and fan
Thom

REAPER CHALLENGE FOR 1/25/09

1. Drawers, items, drops

2. Cough, lamp, wings

3. Sun, beach, laughter

4. Children, sofa, car

1. Write a poem about summer

2. Write a poem about spring

3. Write a poem about Fall

4. Write a poem about winter

5. write a poem about a relaxing day

Read Empty Graves by Bestselling author TGreaper...wherever nightmares are sold!

My art blog:
http://tgreaper. blogspot. com/

BLEEDINGS MY CHILDREN OF SHADOWS! Miss me? I missed
you. I have been busy creating
new nightmares to help you sleep at night. Being the
holiday weekend I thought this would
be a good time to post a new reaper challenge. For
those of you who haven't seen the
challenge before, basically, I set up a few
challenges, and give each a five minute time limit.
I'll explain each challenge as I get to them. So sit
back my children, and enjoy the challenges
as they unlock the darkness in your mind and let your
inner soul bleed out......and always,

Sweet Nightmares!!

Title challenge
Basically, I give 5 titles, and you write a poem that
the title will fit. Again, 5 minute time limit

on each title (keeps the inner critic locked away)

1. The Table Lamp

2. The open Window

3. The look of death

4. The accident

5. Picture on the wall

3 word challenge

Ok, I give you three words, you put two of them in the
first line, all three in the first stanza.

5 minute time limit

1. basement, shadow, door

2. timer, music, breeze

3. echo, light, hallway

4. cold spot, nightmares, eyes

5. balloons, birds, rainbows

Subject challenge

This one is pretty easy. I tell you what to write
about, and you write about it.

1. Write a poem about danger

2. write a poem about nightmares

3. write a poem about being watched

4. write a poem about a carnival

5. write a poem about the seasons

Read Empty Graves by Bestselling author TGreaper...wherever nightmares are sold!

My art blog:
http://tgreaper. blogspot. com/

I'm not writing as much as I was before. For a combination of reason, mostly too much to do in real life and not enough time to both relax and write. Yes I know it's an excuse and that writing is a way to touch the real me in a way I don't just chilling out but I'm just not in a place to do it. Because this is my writing place and well let's be honest because I have lifetime premium. I will continue to use and keep this site but I am doing more and more of my "networking" over on facebook. I also have myspace but honestly I like facebook better so spend more time there. As I have things to share in my life and poetry to write I will continue to come here. In fact I may transfer information to this site from a few other xangas I have left and from other places on the web. Person stuff will be private or protected. Poetry will be public. My facebook has an RSS feed to my xanga. If you are on facebook and want to find me search on my yahoo id dancing_pen2001 and you will find me. Just let me know you are from xanga and I will add you as a friend. HUGS.

I submit to love

My thoughts of grace
My strength above
No man my master
I submit to love

Love tends my roots
Love fills my soul
Love walks with me
Love makes me whole

My thoughts above
My strength in grace
I submit to love
I find my place

Love is my strength
Love is my place
Love is the whole
The walk of grace

My heart is whole
I know the worth
Each precious day
We’re blessed on earth

Bless me each day
This precious gift
The grace of love
That does uplift

Margot Hill
21Sept08

My birthday

As my birthday approaches
And you are not here
I remember each moment
And hold them so dear

The tears they keep falling
And filling my eyes.
I can't hear your voice
Just the sound of my sighs

I find in the quiet
Seeking harmony
If I look for you
Your spirit's with me

Your hand in mine
We walk side by side
Your heart with mine
Still lives on inside

The day fast approaches
My angel I miss
His voice and his hugs
And the feel of his kiss

Margot Hill
16May02

My morning

My morning starts slower without you
I don't hear the soft, teasing sound
Your voice every morning as I awoke
The blessing that you were around.

You never quite realized the impact
Your voice how it brightened my day
And each time I waken without it
My first breath, I wish that you'd stayed

But you're gone and your body is ashes
As we all will one day, dust to dust
I rely on you still I know I always will
Our heart and our soul walk in trust

Margot Hill
15May02